Soap is not a condiment
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
