this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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