I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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