I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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