What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
