Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
