i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
