Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I'm at about main and main street
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Couch. On fire.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
