it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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