I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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