i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
