i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
