Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
