Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
