I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
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I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
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You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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