I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
