just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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