Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I need to sanitize my soul.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
