why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
