I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
