Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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