My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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