a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
