i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
