I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
