So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
How's work?
Spinning.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
