I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
