Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
