somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
