Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I can text with my tongue
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
