hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
