He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
