so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
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I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
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I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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