I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
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