Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
