Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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