life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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