are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
