She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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