I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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