The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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