I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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