somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
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He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
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Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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