I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
