wrigley field is MILF paradise
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
