The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
