Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
