Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
