you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
