Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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