This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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