i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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