I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
