using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
