the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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