Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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