im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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