The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
