For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
